Memo

So, this week has been very stressful for so many different reasons, I don’t know where to even start. I don’t really know what we are aloud to write in these things but I am alone in my room listening to queen, and I am just going to say whatever is on my mind.

I sometimes feel like I can only be so strong and composed for so long. I need a break; I think I need spring break more than I thought I would. All my friends say how forward and real I am. How I am truly a genuine person, but is anyone actually a genuine person? I don’t know how they see that. I have had so stress on me. I know I keep saying that but I can’t even begin to explain all that has happen in such a short period of time. I have had feelings that I didn’t even think I could ever have again. And I feel like I am hurting people and slowly losing people. My mom has always been there for me, all through out my middle school and high school problems. But she doesn’t want to here from me all of this. She wants to here a happy college girl, who is doing well in college. But I’m not supposed to call my mom and tell her I have had sex with a different person, other than my ex-boyfriend. I can’t call her and say that I haven’t been getting enough sleep because I go out on the weekends and stay up to late. I can’t even call her and say that I am worried about my classes because I am feeling so overwhelmed.

I have never been a confident person, I have never been seen myself as someone who can handle many things. My brain mumble jumbles them all together and I get confused. I have a “confused face”, my ex-boyfriend used to think it was cute. I don’t know what to do about that. He never used to treat me well, but I think I know he loves me… still. I don’t know how I feel about him; I have recently been seeing someone else. However, this someone else, is friends with him, or was friends with him. It just gets so complicated. I still have some sort of feelings for my ex-boyfriend; I just don’t know what they are. And if I should just forget about them and move on. Because he is not here, and even if he was, I don’t think it was a healthy relationship. All we did was fight… but maybe that is a relationship? I also took this kid’s virginity and I know I have feelings for him too, I just don’t know what to do about either situation. Because I would normally go to one of them to talk about it, but I can’t tell either what my feelings are, or that I really don’t know what to do or how I am feeling.

Sometimes I just want to scream, but I know that will just bit in the butt. They both give me different things, and I never thought I could ever have feelings for someone else, so these new feelings got me excited, but now when I sit back and think about it… what if I was in my ex’s shoes. I would be beyond hurt if he did this to me; especially if it was one of my friends he was hooking up with. It’s awful. I feel like a bitch. But I swear I’m not, I probably sound like one too.

I would go to my friends to talk about this stuff, but lately everyone has just been annoying me. I think I miss my home friends too. It is just that feeling of familiarity. I need something new to happen. I need to go to a place where there is sun 24/7 and where I can lay out in the sun and get burnt. I feel like everyone went away this vacation. I need that. I need a change or I don’t know, maybe I am just truly too tired, and its hitting me physically and emotionally.

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