April 25, 2011

Memo

Oh goodness, where do I even start with a reflection paper about sex? I honestly think any person could talk about it forever. Secretly, its all-most people want to talk about, because it is funny yet so interesting. Everyone is interested in everyone else’s business because everyone is curious to know if there sex lives match up with other peoples, or if their ahead of the game or behind.

I lost my virginity around three years ago, to my boyfriend who I went out with up until the first day of, this year, my freshman year at Syracuse. This kid, Eugene, I had met in my English class junior year of high school, he asked me to be his study buddy. From there it took off, with either of us knowing how any of it would turn out, we ended up really loving one another. We would always fight, but fighting is what healthy and loving relationships do right? I loved him. I don’t think I ever could have thought I could feel this way about anyone before. The feeling was uplifting and I enjoyed every minute I spent with him, and every minute I wasn’t with him I wanted to be. We were always texting (sometimes too much) but if we weren’t together we were texting and when we were with each other no one else mattered. I can’t explain the feeling but it was crazy. Love is crazy. How can another human begin make you feel so happy, so sad and so crazy sometimes. Looking back on it, I was crazy at some points, but I loved the kid, I really couldn’t help it. There was something different about him that just made me so in love with him. Maybe it was that I had to fight to get compliments or attention, but when I did it was amazing. So it made the moments that were sweet, so sweet. Like I never thought I was a “mushy” or “a feelings” person, but he made me all those things. I think that’s why I loved him so much, the fact that he could make me insane, and I never new what was coming next, it was always new, fun, and exciting. He was my boyfriend and my best friend.

But as the end of senior year rolled around, I new things were coming to an end. He was going to Umass Amherst, and I was going to be here, at Syracuse. It would never work, and it didn’t seem like he wanted it too. I was his first kiss (even though still, to this day, he wont admit it) and his first everything after that. So, obviously he wanted to experience other girls and the fun times college was supposed to bring. So it was just a said thing, that we were going to break up, even though I wanted so desperately for it to work out, I would never tell him.

In the beginning of freshman year, I was so in love with him, he pushed me away from day one of me being here. Never did he want to talk to me or skype me or even text me. He said it was because it was to hard for him, but I knew it was because he wanted to be over the relationship and me. This was devastating; I spent all of first semester getting over him, crying to my friends, my mom, anyone who could listen. It was the worst feeling, and I can’t even explain it. I never want to feel like that again. It was not only hard because I lost him, but I wasn’t with my family and friends, I had to deal with it on my own, and with the very newly made friends I had hear. I made it through though, it is almost the end of the year, and I am doing so much better, I don’t need a text from him everyday, or every two days. I am not dependent on him anymore. It is a great feeling to feel independent again, something I haven’t been able to feel in so long.

Love is the strangest, best, and worst feeling ever. I know I could never feel the same about any body else like what I felt for Eugene. He was my first for a lot of things and the first person I loved. I will always care about him and love him. There will just always be that longing feeling, it’s so hard to explain.

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April 25, 2011

Memo

So, this week has been very stressful for so many different reasons, I don’t know where to even start. I don’t really know what we are aloud to write in these things but I am alone in my room listening to queen, and I am just going to say whatever is on my mind.

I sometimes feel like I can only be so strong and composed for so long. I need a break; I think I need spring break more than I thought I would. All my friends say how forward and real I am. How I am truly a genuine person, but is anyone actually a genuine person? I don’t know how they see that. I have had so stress on me. I know I keep saying that but I can’t even begin to explain all that has happen in such a short period of time. I have had feelings that I didn’t even think I could ever have again. And I feel like I am hurting people and slowly losing people. My mom has always been there for me, all through out my middle school and high school problems. But she doesn’t want to here from me all of this. She wants to here a happy college girl, who is doing well in college. But I’m not supposed to call my mom and tell her I have had sex with a different person, other than my ex-boyfriend. I can’t call her and say that I haven’t been getting enough sleep because I go out on the weekends and stay up to late. I can’t even call her and say that I am worried about my classes because I am feeling so overwhelmed.

I have never been a confident person, I have never been seen myself as someone who can handle many things. My brain mumble jumbles them all together and I get confused. I have a “confused face”, my ex-boyfriend used to think it was cute. I don’t know what to do about that. He never used to treat me well, but I think I know he loves me… still. I don’t know how I feel about him; I have recently been seeing someone else. However, this someone else, is friends with him, or was friends with him. It just gets so complicated. I still have some sort of feelings for my ex-boyfriend; I just don’t know what they are. And if I should just forget about them and move on. Because he is not here, and even if he was, I don’t think it was a healthy relationship. All we did was fight… but maybe that is a relationship? I also took this kid’s virginity and I know I have feelings for him too, I just don’t know what to do about either situation. Because I would normally go to one of them to talk about it, but I can’t tell either what my feelings are, or that I really don’t know what to do or how I am feeling.

Sometimes I just want to scream, but I know that will just bit in the butt. They both give me different things, and I never thought I could ever have feelings for someone else, so these new feelings got me excited, but now when I sit back and think about it… what if I was in my ex’s shoes. I would be beyond hurt if he did this to me; especially if it was one of my friends he was hooking up with. It’s awful. I feel like a bitch. But I swear I’m not, I probably sound like one too.

I would go to my friends to talk about this stuff, but lately everyone has just been annoying me. I think I miss my home friends too. It is just that feeling of familiarity. I need something new to happen. I need to go to a place where there is sun 24/7 and where I can lay out in the sun and get burnt. I feel like everyone went away this vacation. I need that. I need a change or I don’t know, maybe I am just truly too tired, and its hitting me physically and emotionally.

April 18, 2011

30 Removable Pictures

April 11, 2011

Memo

 

Everyone has regrets.  Parents look at their childhood and tell their kids to never be like them or do what they did.  Unfortunately, everyone only has one life, one time to be a kid, a teenager, one adulthood, and there is no way to turn back or redo what has already been done.

Yes, there are little things, like moments in time where you wished you had stopped to ask your neighbor how their sick dad was doing; or deeply regret telling your friend she wasn’t having a great hair day but I’m talking about regretting a life altering decision.  College. I never new where I wanted to go, or if I would like what, or what I could get into, realistically.

I am the type of person to put things off, a procrastinator.  Many nights my mom would find me in my room at twelve doing a history paper due the next morning. And even to this day, now it is probably getting done at two, she could probably find me getting my work finished at the very last moment.

She used to think, a long time ago, that scare tactics would help me at least seem to care, they totally didn’t.

As I have gotten older I have slowly realized how every decision I make affects a larger outcome.  Though I have stopped fighting as much with my mom, and I have learned to think before saying certain things, those are lessons that come with age.

The biggest issue on my mind, at the age of 17, was college.  Everyone is getting into different places and making the decision of where they want to spend the next four years of their life.

Again, I procrastinated and keep putting off visiting different schools, and last year, a week left before the deadline I was forced to go to Syracuse.  Don’t get me wrong, I love it hear, and it’s a great school, but if I had just been more involved in the whole college process, I would have found a university I was more excited about?

There could be two outcomes, one I might end up loving Syracuse and so happy with where I choose to form the rest of my life, or two, regret my decision of choosing that particular school and wish I had gone to Drexel, one of the other colleges I was looking at.

I was only a senior, and I remember feeling like this is yet another fight with my mom or argument with a friend.

I made a choice that looking back on, I am very happy with, but I remember wondering if I would deeply regret this decision. I guess, I am just writing to say I used to be scared that I would regret my choice in Syracuse, but now I know I didn’t.

 

April 3, 2011

NOPL Sketches

March 24, 2011

Memo

So this week for the memo, I thought I would talk about change, I think a lot is changing in my life, my feelings, my friends, I am growing up, when I think of change I sometimes think of changing my clothes in the morning, or changing the color of my nails, but this kid of change is bigger, more scary. Like moving to a new place, or having a family member pass away, or a world attack on a country. I feel like recently our world just seems to be falling apart. Watching the news and hearing all these sad stories, it just makes me think back to when I feel like it all started, 911.

911 happened when I was in forth grade and I will never forget our open circle in class with my teacher, Mr. Daniels.  We all discussed our feelings and I remember thinking why are we talking about this?  Being ten I did not understand the impact it was about to have.  I have always gotten scared when I had to board a plane, but this terrorist attack just sent me over the edge. Being on a plane, even ten years later, I realized I get nervous and as I looked down, realized my hands were clammy.

Like in trip to Utah this past December, I did not realize that around this time just ten years ago a plane, just like the one I was on, crashed into the World Trade Center.  I had all these thoughts running through my head, what if some hijacked our plane? Or what if the plane lost control and flew into city or worse we drown in the ocean because the plane ran into… Stop, what am I saying? This will never happen, I am over thinking, I woke up that morning at four to catch our 7:50 flight to Salt Lake City, Utah for a reason.  Because, I was not the only one who felt this anxiety, when 911 happened other people were scared too and had the same anxiety towards the event.  Making the airports safer and educating people on how to be more careful, although when they play the video that describes where the exits and safety jackets are I never listen.

The flight attendants were now coming up and down the aisles making sure everybody’s tray tables were put up and our seats were straight.  As I adjusted in my now vertical seat, I started to feel trapped.  I wanted to get up to use the bathroom but the seat belt sign had come on.

I was trusting the pilot with my life.  A pilot I had never seen, let alone met, how was I supposed to have faith in these people, they let thousands of innocent lives go and it happened right in front of everyone.

While we were taking off and ascending into the clouds I shut my windows, busied myself with the Sky Mall magazine and blocked out the rumbling engine, trying to forget that for the next five and a half hours I was confined.  If something happens I have no way of saving my family or myself.  The pilot came on the intercom and said that it was a good day for flying.  That flight should be five hours and twenty-two minutes and to kick back, relax, and enjoy the flight.

Reaching our cruising altitude of 10,000 feet, I remember back to when I was little and I felt safe just being with my parents, being with them made everything ok.  The world was huge and I was so small and so secure with them by my sides, I was invincible. However, as I grow older and as history develops around me, I realize the world is not the safe I once new, and I am learning everyday about new issues and how we are trying to deal with them.

 

 

March 21, 2011

Final Two Ink Drawings

I am only going to use the drawing with all the lines, but it came down to these two:

March 21, 2011

Ink Drawing Sketches

March 2, 2011

Memo

So, this week has been very stressful for so many different reasons, I don’t know where to even start. I don’t really know what we are aloud to write in these things but I am alone in my room listening to queen, and I am just going to say whatever is on my mind.

I sometimes feel like I can only be so strong and composed for so long. I need a break; I think I need spring break more than I thought I would. All my friends say how forward and real I am. How I am truly a genuine person, but is anyone actually a genuine person? I don’t know how they see that. I have had so stress on me. I know I keep saying that but I can’t even begin to explain all that has happen in such a short period of time. I have had feelings that I didn’t even think I could ever have again. And I feel like I am hurting people and slowly losing people. My mom has always been there for me, all through out my middle school and high school problems. But she doesn’t want to here from me all of this. She wants to here a happy college girl, who is doing well in college. But I’m not supposed to call my mom and tell her I have had sex with a different person, other than my ex-boyfriend. I can’t call her and say that I haven’t been getting enough sleep because I go out on the weekends and stay up to late. I can’t even call her and say that I am worried about my classes because I am feeling so overwhelmed.

I have never been a confident person, I have never been seen myself as someone who can handle many things. My brain mumble jumbles them all together and I get confused. I have a “confused face”, my ex-boyfriend used to think it was cute. I don’t know what to do about that. He never used to treat me well, but I think I know he loves me… still. I don’t know how I feel about him; I have recently been seeing someone else. However, this someone else, is friends with him, or was friends with him. It just gets so complicated. I still have some sort of feelings for my ex-boyfriend; I just don’t know what they are. And if I should just forget about them and move on. Because he is not here, and even if he was, I don’t think it was a healthy relationship. All we did was fight… but maybe that is a relationship? I also took this kid’s virginity and I know I have feelings for him too, I just don’t know what to do about either situation. Because I would normally go to one of them to talk about it, but I can’t tell either what my feelings are, or that I really don’t know what to do or how I am feeling.

Sometimes I just want to scream, but I know that will just bit in the butt. They both give me different things, and I never thought I could ever have feelings for someone else, so these new feelings got me excited, but now when I sit back and think about it… what if I was in my ex’s shoes. I would be beyond hurt if he did this to me; especially if it was one of my friends he was hooking up with. It’s awful. I feel like a bitch. But I swear I’m not, I probably sound like one too.

I would go to my friends to talk about this stuff, but lately everyone has just been annoying me. I think I miss my home friends too. It is just that feeling of familiarity. I need something new to happen. I need to go to a place where there is sun 24/7 and where I can lay out in the sun and get burnt. I feel like everyone went away this vacation. I need that. I need a change or I don’t know, maybe I am just truly too tired, and its hitting me physically and emotionally.

March 1, 2011

Little Green Monster